Guest Blog Article by Karen Bierdeman
“C’mon, Mom—let’s GO! I want to GO somewhere!” I hear this phrase every day from my youngest daughter. As an extrovert, being around people energizes her, and the people in her house don’t always cut it it! Even as a tiny baby, I could see her try to meet others’ eyes, even as a tiny baby. I knew she was searching for ways to connect with others.
My older daughter, who’s ten, loves to curl up with a good book and a cat. From early on, she would rather play with her toys rather than with people. Extended eye contact with her over stimulated her. Now that she’s older, she’s learned that spending time alone helps decrease her stress (except when her extroverted sister is banging on the door screaming, “You never want to play with me! Come out NOW!”).
And their mama? Well, I am admittedly an introvert. I need time alone to refuel, so does my husband. So what do we do when there are three of us who need to lay low in order to feel better and we are living with a person who thrives on being with others? Managing this isn’t is difficult as it sounds. I’ve found the following steps to be helpful for both introverted and extroverted family members:
1.Notice whether you tend towards introversion or extroversion, and also become aware of your children’s tendencies. Even though it’s geared toward younger children, this site will give you a great idea of how your child leans.
2.If your kids are verbal, sit down and talk with them about how everybody has a “gas tank” just like the car. Just like the car, everybody needs to put in more gas in order to play, work, have fun, etc. Also explain that some people do this alone, while others need to be around people, and that both ways are great. Ask them what they they think they need, as well as to make guesses about the rest of the family members. If you have toddlers or very young preschoolers that aren’t yet able to talk about this, then you can jumpstart the process by helping them recharge before they melt down.
3.After you’ve figured out how everyone in the family “fills up,” come up with a brief list of these ways. Ask questions such as, “What’s the best way you can meet your need for being with others?” Come up with other options like calling and e-mailing friends, etc. Try a standing weekly playdate with a few pals for your extroverted child will give them something to look forward to. For your introverted child, it might be helpful to plan on a daily “siesta” time where it is totally cool to have time alone, no questions asked.
4. Help your kids to understand how they’re wired, as well as how everyone else in the family is, so it will be easier for them to learn to meet their own needs BEFORE there’s a problem. It’s important to learn how to respect others’ needs. Knowledge is power, and I’d also add that so is planning ahead.
5.Set a good example by going first. As the mom, it’s powerful for your kids to hear you say, “I can tell I’m getting tired and cranky and need to spend some time with my friends tonight. Don’t have a guilt trip, this is about valuing yourself enough to take the time to do what refuels you so you can be more effective. Kids do what we do–so you’ll be doing EVERYONE a favor by modeling this and keeping yourself refueled. One of the best ways to avoid melt-down is to have each family member “refuel” in ways that work for them. That way, the only melt-downs you’ll have will be popcicles and ice cream bars!
Karen Bierdeman, M.Ed, has worked with families and children for over 16 years. Her expertise in Childhood Behavior Disorders, makes her an effective advocate for children whose behavior is “more”–more intense, more persistent, more energetic and overall more challenging. She also knows first-hand how difficult it can be to be the parent of a strong-willed child! Visit her at http://theguiltfreemom.com
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